This path of dealing with guys hasn't been smooth sailing nor has it without dealing with inner demons.
The first demon I had to deal with was the fact that I would get days where I would wake up and try to stage a self intervention. Growing I had been brought up to believe dating guys was the worst possible thing you could do, so why was I regularly putting myself in situations where I was damning myself to hell? I'd then recount my experiences to date and feel sick with guilt. Guilt would then lead me to throw the sim card with all the numbers of acquaintances and people that I'd got it in with in the trash and just to focus on college and females, but the absence of the emotions that go along with pursuing a cool guy had my brain yearning to be in a similar situation again so I threw caution out the window and went back to basics, telling myself that it would the last time I would ever try to deprive myself of actions that feel organic to me.
The second demon I had to deal with was the social politics and leaving the old ways behind. I grew up in the projects and growing up around some of the poorest people in the UK, you've got to develop street smarts. People robbing like it was nothing, friends turning snakes when you possess intelligence or access to opportunities that they don't have, and the ingrained need to belong. I remember when I was 14 - 15 rolling with heartless people with no morals. Shit like 'TJ I fucked your mum last night until her pussy bled" and throwing firecrackers in class was what was considered funny. No identity and pressured into situations that my heart wasn't in. Hanging on the block in a clique because it felt good to be a part of something. I remember one of the boys I used to roll with nearly got stabbed in the heart with a kitchen knife because some guy thought he was the one throwing stones at a balcony where his baby mother was standing with his newborn in her arms.
I knew I was attracted to guys at this point but I didn't act on it. The turning point came at 16 when I got a summer job while waiting for my GSCE results. This meant for the first time I was around a range of mindsets and given a pay check with responsibilities attached which meant my character evolved as a result. It also gave me a window of opportunity to get to know guys away from the paranoia I felt when around the people I grew up with and keep those experiences sacred. I then replaced those I grew up with who were piss poor morally with people that inspired growth in my character. I also made some close knit friendships with guys dealing with the same struggle; guys who became part of my social fabric without raising eyebrows.
Even though I've come along way, there are still struggles. Now in my 20s, I've loved, lost, lusted and been lusted after. But thinking back, I wouldn't have life any other way.
