This path of dealing with guys hasn't been smooth sailing nor has it without dealing with inner demons.
The first demon I had to deal with was the fact that I would get days where I would wake up and try to stage a self intervention. Growing I had been brought up to believe dating guys was the worst possible thing you could do, so why was I regularly putting myself in situations where I was damning myself to hell? I'd then recount my experiences to date and feel sick with guilt. Guilt would then lead me to throw the sim card with all the numbers of acquaintances and people that I'd got it in with in the trash and just to focus on college and females, but the absence of the emotions that go along with pursuing a cool guy had my brain yearning to be in a similar situation again so I threw caution out the window and went back to basics, telling myself that it would the last time I would ever try to deprive myself of actions that feel organic to me.
The second demon I had to deal with was the social politics and leaving the old ways behind. I grew up in the projects and growing up around some of the poorest people in the UK, you've got to develop street smarts. People robbing like it was nothing, friends turning snakes when you possess intelligence or access to opportunities that they don't have, and the ingrained need to belong. I remember when I was 14 - 15 rolling with heartless people with no morals. Shit like 'TJ I fucked your mum last night until her pussy bled" and throwing firecrackers in class was what was considered funny. No identity and pressured into situations that my heart wasn't in. Hanging on the block in a clique because it felt good to be a part of something. I remember one of the boys I used to roll with nearly got stabbed in the heart with a kitchen knife because some guy thought he was the one throwing stones at a balcony where his baby mother was standing with his newborn in her arms.
I knew I was attracted to guys at this point but I didn't act on it. The turning point came at 16 when I got a summer job while waiting for my GSCE results. This meant for the first time I was around a range of mindsets and given a pay check with responsibilities attached which meant my character evolved as a result. It also gave me a window of opportunity to get to know guys away from the paranoia I felt when around the people I grew up with and keep those experiences sacred. I then replaced those I grew up with who were piss poor morally with people that inspired growth in my character. I also made some close knit friendships with guys dealing with the same struggle; guys who became part of my social fabric without raising eyebrows.
Even though I've come along way, there are still struggles. Now in my 20s, I've loved, lost, lusted and been lusted after. But thinking back, I wouldn't have life any other way.
Interesting perspective, and story...
ReplyDeleteYou've explained my life in a nutshell. Your perspective allowed me to accept and respect myself more. For all the things I've gone through, doesn't mean I'm a waste of life. Thank you my friend. I wish you the best of luck.
ReplyDeleteHi Black Londoner wow, your blog is inspiring and I can relate to a lot of what you have to say. I too have had similar experiences except on the other side of the fence, I was a victim of homophobic bullying whilst at College when I was 16, the shouts of Batty man still echo in my ears to this day more than 10 years later. The worst thing is that it was mostly projected on me and started as a rumor that someone started. None of the abuse etc was based on anything that could really implicate me not the way I dressed or presented myself. But it just so happened that at the time I was not hip to the realities of London and the black community college was full of thugs, harlesden, north west, stonebridge so I walked into den of sharks, in any other college someone starting a rumor would never have caused any drama but the college being what it was I became the lamb to the slaughter. To this day I am shook when I get on the bus, go into London etc because I know how rumors spread, it means that I avoid black events parties etc because I don't want my face to be known. I had always wondered what it was like for someone on the other side of the fence, I never fitted in from the earliest times. I have always been different, and always been an outsider, but to grow up on the inside, down with the street to be a certified black Londoner I can imagine how hard that must be when you are gay. At this point in my life I am fine being gay, it is cool with me - that fierce homophobic character and attitude prevalent in the black community has never been part of my make up. But I remember what it felt like to be fresh meat strung up for wolves to devour, but within it all I just wanted the chance to to fit in and take part in being a young confident guy so it did fuck me up in so many ways. Your story is inspiring, especially your no hold bars shameless depiction of your sexcapades, I love that its raw and you don't give a shit because you know we are gay men and we like sex so what!
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